i finally think i have found the reason i am so unhappy.
I look around me and in each and every person i see a beauty, not just looks or figure but little things in everyone no person i see is ugly.

The only person i didn't see any beauty in was myself, i felt like such a washed up has been and at 17 thats not good. Looking through some old papers of mine photographs of the past of things that used to meant so much to me.

I found old certificates my first ever dancing exam which i passed with an honour only a small child yet memerising all those steps dancing them infront of a complete stranger seemed like the most important thing i would ever do.

i found photos of me in dancing costumes on stage, old tickets from my shows, at the bottom of the box i found an old packet of vocal aid with the date written on then from my very first real singing performance. The it hit me.

At one time in my life i was truly proud of myself not because i wanted to be but everyone around me was so proud and it made thigns feel better, then as i grew up and had to stand on my own two feet more i became more critical of myself.

If an outfit didn't fit perfectly i would throw it on the flow and feel it was me that wasn't good enough. A single note wrong i would feel like crying, the older i got the worse it got to a point i don't sing anymore, no shows, no lessons, no practising.

I have started a demo now, but can't say i like it, but if i messed around with every single thing to make it the way i wanted it to sound there would be no vocals on it. But the world i've thrown myself into isn't about self satisfaction it's about what other people think.

So rant aside, today is a new day and i am thinking clearer than ever before, i shall do my demo and i shall take the advice of the people around me. I will alter my way of thinking, as i am realising not everyone is going to like me, not everyone will want to listen or understand, but at the end of the day me feeling bad all the time is only going to make the people who do care and do want to help walk away.

so here is to another day maybe one day i will own a mansion, a sports car, a nice motorbike and have a gothic model for a husband for spends more time fixing his hair than me. and paints his toe nails with clear nail polish to stop them discolouring from his socks.

and maybe i won't get all of those things maybe i'll have 2.5 children, a house, a husband and an old banger car. least i'll be able to say i tried and had a fucking good time doing it.

so to all my friends who aren't going to read this but what the hell i'll say it anyway thank you one day i'll make the world better or get you so drunk you'll feel like your the luckiest person alive.